Blame Yourselves

8 Dec

This is out of my hands.

Y’all are obsessed with my students and their unintentional hilarity.  Don’t worry, I totally understand – I laugh at them 5 days a week. They are pushing me to be a funnier person, and I appreciate that.

So here you go, vultures, have some fun at a child’s expense:

Test Question: What is your favorite food?

Answer: “My favorite food is spaghetti.  It is soft and warm. But sometimes it is greedy.”

Test Question: What would you wear to a fancy dinner?

Answer (from a 13 year-old boy, with a straight face): “I would wear black skinny’s, black shirt, bomb hair, glasses, and *kill heels. They are for girls, but they make me look taller.”

*What Koreans call stilettos.

Vocab word: Dash

Sentence: “I run to the bathroom to make a dash.”

Vocab word: Vibrate

Sentence: “I was vibrating during the English presentation.”

Vocab word: Breed

Sentence: “My mom’s breed is me.”

Vocab word: Favorite

Sentence: “My favorite people is my parents. because they gave me a birth. And they like me.”

Writing Prompt: What will your life be like in the future?

Answer: “I will read an electronic book in my space house.  And my robot will help me a lot too.”

Answer: “I want to be an actor. Like Harry Potter.”

Writing Prompt: Tell me about your personal style

Answer: “I don’t like skirts, because I’m a little chubby. But I’m not a total breakdown. I have better fashion sense than my mom. I hope my mom doesn’t read my journal.”

Book reports:

1. (This would be totally racist, if it wasn’t written by a small Korean child): “Winnie’s house and cat were all black. Winnie was black too. And that is how all the trouble started.”

2. “At first I thought the dentist is trying to kill me with the tool. Now I know, he just cleans my teeth.”

Proof that the person who writes the listening book scripts is both passive aggressive and in a really bad marriage.

Example 1:

Woman: “Why are you so late?”

Man: “Sorry. I just had a bitter quarrel with my wife. She spends way too much money.”

Example 2:

Woman: “How about this shirt?”

Man: “Can I pick out my own clothes for once?!”

Woman: “Fine. Do whatever you want.”

And aside from my problems with the listening scripts, I also happen to loathe half of the speaking books I teach. One book in particular has put me in more than a few awkward situations with the kids. I happen to have 2 sections of this particular class, so I had the joy of explaining what diarrhea was to about 20 embarrassed pre-teens.

Why? Because our practice health dialogue went a little something like this:

Person 1: “What’s wrong? You don’t look so good.”

Person 2: “It’s because I have diarrhea.”

Cut to my favorite class (featured prominently in my Halloween post), who are obsessed with talking about all things gross, namely bodily functions. While trying to make me repeat bad words in Korean, they asked if I knew the word “diarrhea” in Korean. Due to my prior experience (see above), I did, in fact, know that word. Despite my knowledge of the subject, little James decided to help me understand and proceeded to run around the room, holding his butt and yelling “ IT’S WATER POOOOOOO!” as loud as he could.

But this kind of stuff happens to lots of adults at work, right?

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